she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
