her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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