The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
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There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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