yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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