My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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