She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
