sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
