While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
