Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
