after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
