Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
