1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
