That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
im six kinds of drunk right now
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Randomize
