So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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