I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
