A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
