So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
