Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
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We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
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I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
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