But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
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Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
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Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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