I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
P.S. I can't hear my feet
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Randomize
