Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
