she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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