WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
