Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
