i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
