Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
We don't watch enough power rangers
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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