We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
