i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
