I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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