I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
