life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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