i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
