Are we in a gay sports bar?
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?