Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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