im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize