I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
You ate ashes out of my bong
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
