mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Drake has all the answers
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
