I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
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