I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...