we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?