Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
25 People Admit the Worst Things They’ve Done for Good Reasons
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
25 Things All Men Can Definitely Agree On
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*