Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
