everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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