Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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