You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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