I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
i need some magic done to my vagina
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
