Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
