she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
