Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Randomize
