Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
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