About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
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