my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
