Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
