your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
