I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
