I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
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