Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
