trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
