Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
