Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Randomize
