i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
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