I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
